I suddenly felt like an imposter. Does my pastor think that I live a virtuous life? Well, I certainly don't feel like I do. I'm not exactly "Mr. Nice Guy" around the office thanks to my regular grumpiness and I don't know what it's like to love people the way Jesus did - instead, I harbor feelings of resentment against many of the people I meet. Would my pastor compliment me if he knew how shrewish and selfish I really am? I would like to say that I live a life of virtue, but I really don't.Some comfort has come to me when reading from the church fathers. Jerome, the fourth century theologian and church leader, wrote a very long treatise just explaining how difficult it is to life a good life - even as a believer. Augustine's writings are full of compassion for those who do not live perfectly, for example, Augustine, in The City of God, says that suicide is a terrible option that dishonors God. However, he first encourages us to be forgiving, because a person who takes their life does so under excruciating circumstances and their decision is understandable, albeit regrettable to us. (Which is why we don't condemn those who have committed suicide, but we do mourn their loss.) These great leaders of the church understood that virtue wasn't easy and didn't expect anyone, especially themselves, to be perfect.
So, until I master virtue, I will continue to volunteer at my church. I will do my very best to show love to my neighbors and to give to those in need. Virtue escapes us, and that is something I am just going to have to live with. But while I'm waiting to get this whole "Christian" thing figured out, I will do my best to honor God and, in doing so, maybe some people will be able to remember me for being more than a grumpy introvert.
7 comments:
The worst is when you rebuff misperceptions of your virtue with self-deprecation and they think you're just being polite / humble.
Less worry about being perfect and more worry about trying really hard to be as loving as possible... No one is perfect, but at least we can try our best ! I think the people you work with probably think you are a nice guy ! I can't imagine anyone not...
I always worry when I get a compliment on anything like that that I'm trying to increase myself and decrease Christ in me... it truly terrifies me... I don't even know how to respond to the occasional compliment sometimes other than to look akwardly to the ground and try to find words to point them towards God.
I just have to remember and pray daily that Christ makes my joy in Him more complete daily and it isn’t because I’m good @ obeying God or anything to do with me. My passion for the Lord comes not from my goodness, because that is non-existent, but from complete and total gratitude to the One who has saved me and given me new life and eternal life.
I need Him daily to swallow up my pride with humility because I am so arrogant by nature and prideful... I can't claim one shred of humility and if anything of a humble man is found in me, it is certainly not me but Christ in me.
Great post Adam... and a great reminder for us all as believers to remember that in all our actions, words, and otherwise that we make certain our motivation is Jesus Christ and from that will flow genuine love and humility towards others...
It's interesting how we gloss over that statement that your pastor asked, thinking first about how not true it is, and then moving onwards towards the conclusions that follow. But, what about the truth in it? What if he had, instead, said, "You must really love the church"? Would the complement have prompted you into such deep questioning? I think the better question is, would that statement, more easily proven (because you're spending your offday fixing something technical at the church; demonstrating love through thoughtfulness for your brothers and sisters), be a suggestion that your are doing something less than loving the Lord? Looking at 1 John 3, 4, & 5, we are taught adamantly to love our brother. (and sisters, too, I presume. ;) ). We are told that this is God's command for us that we love each other. Then, immediately following this, it says that if we love the Son, we also love the Father, and that to love God is to carry out his commands. Logically then, we can say that if we are acting in love towards our brethren, we are carrying out the Lord's commands and therefore showing love to Him. I think that's pretty cool. So, even if your direct motivation in doing that work was seemingly lacking of thought of God, you were still demonstrating love for Him by loving His church. :)
I'm not trying to put you on some kind of pedestal or something silly like that here. I'm just suggesting that, when we come to the realization that we are doing something good, let's be glad about it instead of trying to convince ourselves it was really bad afterall. We have The Holy Spirit indwelling us. Surely we can do good things some of the time thanks to Him, right? :D
Thanks for this look into your "ontological self", as L'Engle would say. One of your most moving and ingenuous posts. Love to you, brother.
Wow! You do listen to what I say. I guess I will really have to be careful to choose my words carefully around you. Now, if I could only get you to listen to the sermons (obviously teasing).
Your actions cause me to praise God because I know that it is the Holy Spirit working in you to overcome your grumpy, introverted, fallen self. To Him be the glory. By the way, please do not judge me on my writing skills, bad grammar, and wrong punctuations. See you Sunday.
Kelly, I appreciate your encouragement, but I'll probably always feel like an impostor when people compliment me - unless I learn to be perfect sometime soon.
Renea, you're awesome.
Grant, you're comment has no mistakes! Don't get me wrong, I want to make fun of you, but that's a solid comment with no mistakes! Be proud! (And, thanks for being a good pastor.)
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