18 Things a Grown Man Should Never Have...

MSN is a great website if you are looking for some bad advice. Not since the someone told Abraham Lincoln to go relax at the theater has so much lame advice been in one place. Today, I read their list of 18 Things a Grown Man Should Never Have. (I suspect that the feminists who run the site are troubled by not finding any good men.) Here's my take on a few of their ideas:

A black eye. MSN says we shouldn't have black eyes from fighting. What if the other guy has two black eyes? I think it's OK as long as you won the fight, or lost but shook hands after.

PlayStation thumb. MSN says we need to quit playing video games. I own 4 or 5 gaming systems and play more games on my computer. My wife doesn't mind. No one minds. Except a frustrated dateless writer at MSN, apparently. Everyone needs a hobby. Would you rather see us collecting stamps? Yeah, that's cool.

A key chain with a bottle opener. The article actually says that we should use impromptu methods to open bottles, like "...a lighter, the back end of a fork..." Yep, nothing says sophisticated grown male quite like pulling a McGyver at the table to open a beer.

A lucky shirt. My lucky shirt says 'Dr. Pepper' on it. My wife says it's soft and likes it when I wear that shirt. Sounds like a keeper.

Olympic dreams. The article actually says, "Exceptions: curling and archery." I have no idea why MSN doesn't think it's OK for me to fantasize about winning a medal for synchronized diving, but dreaming about being Robin Hood is OK.

The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. I have also read that it is not good to quote Monty Python in front of women. Listen up, single males, if the girl in front of you doesn't think it's funny to quote Monty Python, don't bother with a second date, she is the wrong girl for you. In fact, asking her if she was expecting a Spanish Inquisition is a good way to see if she has a sense of humor. Sheesh.

Code words for ugly women. Oh, sure, next time I see a girl who only looks good once in a while I should call her something other than a two-face? What about girls with good personalities? Should I just call them ugly? Really?

A Nerf hoop in his living room. It goes on to say, 'Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's office.'

In conclusion, be sure no one ever knows the real you.