The Responsibility of Having Children

Medhelp

We recently experienced the arrival of our third daughter and the process from conception to the actual birthing event is quite strenuous. The experience has had me thinking more and more about the new life God has entrusted to our care and the value of all life. Having children is not for everyone, but for those who have them and wish to raise them well, it is both a calling and a responsibility.

You may have heard the saying, "children are a gift from the Lord;" if you have children, you may even feel like that statement is true whenever the kids are properly behaving themselves. In reality, children are much more than a gift...they are a miracle.

New life is created and with it come the responsibilities of raising a person to be a fully-functioning member of society. If you are a Christian, you have the additional responsibility of doing what you can to teach the child to love God and others as oneself.

Christians see value in human life because God is the author of life and all God created was good. However, because we now live in a world tainted with sin, our understanding of the value of life has been broken. We no longer see life for what it is--an opportunity to share in God's blessings. Instead, we toil through pain and strife to find peace and goodness.

Christians have a responsibility of sharing the Kingdom of God with the world. In order to share God's Kingdom, they must first understand God's Kingdom. It is a kingdom of peace, light, joy, beauty, truth, and honor. It is a kingdom of where right is distinguished from wrong, where good is distinguished from evil. It is a place where God is glorified in his righteousness and where people share in his rich blessings.

Parents must be willing to go through the process of raising their children to see beauty in ugliness, goodness in tragedy, joy in sorrow, and equipping them to chase their dreams, face their fears, and to strive for their goals. We must protect them from evil but we must allow them to make their own choices. We must also allow them to realize or face the consequences of their decisions. We must teach them to be at peace with all people, but to stand up for themselves and their beliefs when others want to challenge them. We must help our children experience new things like riding a bike, swimming, and tasting snow, but we must also let them see that pain accompanies pleasures when knees are scraped or when they eat the snow too quickly and get a cold headache.

The things parents do for their children, the sacrifices they make, the experiences they share, the conversations they have, they all point to seeing value in life. Every little thing we do has consequence and the way we handle each situation directs the paths of our lives and relationships. We all desire to be significant and because life is from God, all of life is significant. Everything matters: how we talk, how we act, how we think, how we feel, and what we eat.

It is difficult to see the intrinsic value in every person we meet, or at least to consciously keep ourselves aware of it. We must remember that all people are a miracle, that all are here because God chose to share his creation with them, whether they recognize him or not. Children remind us that life comes from the Lord, that he sustains us, and that each new day is a gift. How do you see others? How do you see your children?

Below are two of my favorite songs about being a parent and preparing to raise children. I posted the videos with the lyrics. Listen and enjoy.

Plumb: In My Arms

Creed: With Arms Wide Open

Adoption - What NOT to say

Adoption has become a hot topic lately.  There is all kinds of good news out there - great books, stories about local foster care and adoption, fundraisers for adoptions and orphan care, and a broader comfort level with the subject and the practice.

Unfortunately, out of unfamiliarity, ignorance, or plain carelessness, people often say rude or foolish things about adoption.  This frustrates people involved in adoption.  It often offends them deeply.  It's nice to "mean well" when you speak, but meaning well doesn't erase the careless or hurtful words already spoken.

So, as an adopted person, whose life is invested in the subject, allow me to offer you some tips on what NOT to say when talking about adoption:

What NOT to say to Adopted People

1. Anything at all - without asking first.
Believe it or not, adoption is an intensely personal subject which cuts to the core of who an adopted person is.  It is personal.  It is that person's story, and no one else's (not even their adoptive parents').  Please do not assume that you have a right to delve into the details of a person's adoption unless they give you permission, or they have already publicly expressed their willingness to talk about it in the past.  Even then, tread carefully.  It's personal.

For another perspective on this, click here to read an incredible and piercing article: "My Child's Adoption Story is None of Your Business."

2. Who are your "real" parents?
Stop talking, right there.  Never, ever, under any circumstances, use the word "real" when talking about adoption.  Whether you mean it or not, you are distinguishing in value between my birth parents and my adoptive parents, as if one set are my "real" parents and the other are "not really" my parents.  In a very real sense, both sets are my real parents.  When you want to distinguish between those sets, use more specific, non-value terms like adoptive/biological, or parents/birth-parents.

3. Where are you from from?
Non-adopted people get the privilege of treating this like the normal question it should be:

Person 1: "Where are you from?"
Person 2: "I'm from Odessa.  What about you?"
Person 1: "I'm from Fort Worth.  Hey, I've been to Odessa!"
This naturally becomes a very friendly conversation about who you are, where you grew up, how you got to where you are now.  Very pleasant.  I love knowing where people are from!

But OFTEN, when people know that you're adopted, they don't want to know where you're from.  They want to know where you're from from:

Person 1: "Where are you from?"
Person 2 (adopted): "I'm from Odessa."
Person 1: "Oh, well I mean, where are you from from?"
Person 2: Well, I'm from Odessa, but I was born in San Antonio..."
Person 1: "No, I mean...what is your background?  You know..."

And so on.  Watch the video below (it's instructive, and hilarious). This has happened to me so many times.  So many times.  And it shouldn't.  Now, I'm happy to talk about where I'm from, where I was born, and my ethnicity.  But it is not ok to pass over what is basically human about me (where I grew up) in order to satisfy your curiosity about my adoptive/ethnic past.  (P.S. - I'm 1/4 Korean.  And no - I don't speak Korean. Seriously. Stop asking).

What NOT to say to People Who Adopt

1. ANYTHING in front of their children
If you have a question about a person's children - adopted or not - do NOT ask when their children are present.  You have no idea what those children know or don't know, especially about a subject like adoption.  You have no idea how their impressionable little brains and hearts are processing the information they do know.  I have heard generally nice people ask parents, in front of their adopted children - "Do they know who their real parents are?"  No person - especially a child - should ever have to hear that.  It's not always that bad, but the rule always applies: if it's about the kids, ask the parents when the kids aren't around.

2. Could you not have your own kids?
Stop, right there.  First of all, allow me to politely say: it's not really your business.  Second, like the word "real," you should never, ever, under any circumstances, use word "own" when talking about adoption.  When you use this word, you are distinguishing between parents' children in a way that you should not - "own kid" versus "someone else's kid."  That's not how adoption works.  All their children - adopted or biological - are their "own" children.

P.S. - On a similar note, check out the recent, excellent post which our blogmaster Adam wrote: "Eleven Questions You Can Stop Asking Childless Couples."  Many of the same principles apply, especially the part about us minding our own business.

3. How will you love a child who is not related to you?
I've heard this one in several forms (blood vs. non-blood; own vs. not-your-own, yours vs. someone else's, etc.), most often from other married people.  All forms of this question are unacceptable.  Let me ask you this: are you married?  Did you marry someone from your family - a sibling or a cousin?  No?  Good.  You have now successfully loved someone as your "own" who is not blood-related to you.  We humans do it all the time!

CONCLUSION
I know that most people say these sorts of things not out of meanness, but out of well-meaning ignorance.  I get it, and I will forgive you.  But now I strongly exhort you to do better next time.  In fact, I hope all readers will heed this advice not as a chastisement, but as a loving lesson on how to improve, and love your fellow humans better.

Adoption is not something we should avoid talking about, and it's certainly not something shameful.  It's beautiful and glorious, and I'd love to talk to you about my own adoption.  But it is personal, complex, and often difficult.  Let's talk (or not) about it that way.

Links
I'll leave you with a few random links to helpful material on this subject:
- Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families and Churches, by Russell Moore
- "My Child's Backstory is None of Your Business," an article in Christianity Today
- "Transracial Family Gets Double takes "Everywhere we Go" - an interview from NPR
- Father and Son: Finding Freedom, by Walter Wangerin Jr. (who also wrote The Book of the Dun Cow, one of my favorite books in the world.)

Eleven Questions You Can Stop Asking Childless Couples. (With Responses.)

My wife and I aren't interested in having children. This never seemed like a big deal, to me, but it's an earth-shattering idea for some people, who lose their minds and start interrogating us like we're screenwriters in the 1960s who accidentally sympathized with communism.

Here's some things you can stop saying to us:


1 - "Why do you hate kids?"

I don't. I'm involved in the lives of children and I think that they are some of the most important people in my life. It's nonsense to assume I don't like children just because I'm not having any of my own.

2 - "Have you asked your wife how she feels about that?"

No, I haven't. I decided we wouldn't have kids without informing her, or even asking her opinion, and she stays perpetually confused about her barrenness. Is that a problem?

Of course, this is a decision to be made as a couple. We discussed this at length while we dated, as any responsible people would do. What sort of monster do you think I am?

3 - "How are you going to avoid having kids?"

This one always makes me pause. In my experience, successfully using birth control is about as difficult as falling down a flight of stairs on roller skates while blindfolded. People like to ask this question, though, with wide, empty eyes as if they truly don't understand. They must think I'm a wizard. Do I really need to explain how this is possible?



4 - "What if you have kids, anyway?"

I'm not sure what people are looking for, with this one. If we get surprised with a child, then...I guess we would have a kid. Is there something else they expect me to say? Maybe people think I haven't considered this possibility, but I have. Any scenario you can come up with is something we have already thought about. The possibility that we might unexpectedly have kids doesn't mean we should change our plans.


5 - "I know people who said they would never have kids...and they did! I think you'll be just like them!"

That's adorable.

6 - "Who's going to take care of you when you're old?"

Robots, probably.

Did you have kids because you wanted to make them responsible for your well-being? Of course not. That's a selfish thing to do, and procreating just to have servants when I'm elderly is a strange idea. You haven't thought this question through.


7 - "Doesn't the Bible say that people should have kids."

No, it doesn't. Believe it, or not, as a licensed minister who studies theology and church history in grad school, I've considered that possibility. I'm planning to have as many kids as  the Apostle Paul, C.S. Lewis, St. Francis, Mother Teresa, and Rich Mullins - combined.

8 - "Why don't you just try having kids and see how you like it."

Now, you're scaring me. You don't "try" being a parent. It's not as if I can return a kid to a store, is it? People know this (I hope), but still ask me to give parenting a test drive by just having one kid. Being a parent is an all or nothing decision.

9 - "You shouldn't say 'never,' because you never know what God's going to do."

You just said "never."

(People say this exact sentence to me, all the time.)

10 - "Are you unable to have kids? Did the doctor say you were sterile? Is your wife the problem? Do you have trouble with...you know..."

Step back.

I know you'll have a hard time understanding this, but those are personal questions that should only be asked by close friends, family members, and anyone who's first name is "doctor." Otherwise, these questions are absolutely inappropriate.

(And, no, it's none of those reasons.)

10 - "Did you have a bad experience as a kid that makes you afraid to be a father?"

No.

Believe it, or not, psychology is a very complex field that is not as simple as it looks on television. Ascribing my activities to personal problems is beyond your capability. Cut it out.

11 - "You Will" (Said with a smug smile.)

 Everyone said this when we got married, because as soon as someone is hitched people are required to ask them about having children as soon as possible. "We're not planning to have any," I would say. "You will," they would respond. No, I didn't.

12 - "But...Children are a blessing!"

So is martyrdom. I don't see you lining up for that one.

St. Sebastian

Martyrdoms: 2

Diapers changed: 0

Three Reasons that Childless Couples are Not Selfish

I've never been interested in having my own children. I'm not sure why, but the parental passion that I see in others just isn't in me. I've been told all of my life that this makes me selfish, but I've never believed it. No one ever complains that C.S. Lewis and Paul the Apostle were childless, do they?

Here's only a few reasons that childless couples are not being selfish:

1 - We Do Take Care of Children

My wife and I know a lot of children, most of them nieces and nephews, and we're very involved with some of them. An uncle can be a unique person in a person's life, and I enjoy the role I get to play for these kids. I am able to be their friend and mentor, without being as much of an authority figure as a parent. (Sometimes, kids need that kind of interaction.) This means that they can tell me things that they might not tell a parent or a friend. Believe it, or not, I look forward to the time I get to spend with kids.

2 - Most Parents Wanted to Have Kids

Ask someone why they decided to have children and (assuming the pregnancy was not a surprise) they'll probably tell you about how much they love being around them. These people like babies and look forward to the thrill of being called "Mom," or "Dad." That's fine with me - if you want to have kids then I hope you're able to have a lot of them - but it's not exactly altruistic. Having children because you want to is nothing more than fulfilling your own desire. That's not any less "selfish" than what I'm doing.

3 - Our Passions are Leading us Elsewhere

Having children means is time consuming - no parent would disagree - and we all have to decide what we will do with the time that we have. When I'm not at my full-time job, I'm working on a degree in Medieval Studies learning about church history. I use this knowledge to teach the church about our past, and I wouldn't have time for that if I was taking care of children. If I were raising kids, I would also not be able to play music at local venues where my wife and I tell the story of Christianity through songs. And blogging would be difficult. There just aren't enough hours in the day to do all of it, and people who have never had a passion for raising a family can contribute a lot to society when they focus on what they love to do.

WITCHES, WIZARDS, AND WISE PARENTING

It's now my second Halloween as a Christian parent. I have yet to get around to forwarding emails about children reading Harry Potter then becoming witches, and I still have yet to pass out my first chocolate-covered New Testament to trick-or-treaters. But my daughter is getting old enough now that I have to start thinking through exactly how I am going to let my daughter interact with alot of themes that Halloween brings to the forefront every year. Will we read books with magic in them as she's growing up? Will we watch movies with wizards, monsters, etc? What sorts of Halloween parties (if any) will we attend as a family? What will I do when I find her playing in her room and she tells me she's pretending to be a witch?

Now these are important questions to me for at least two reasons. First, children process information very differently from adults. So while I can watch a movie about an evil sorcerer or a giant dragon terrorize humanity, my daughter won't be watching those sorts of things until she is much older. Why? Because children have a very hard time processing abstract concepts, symbolism, etc. They also have a hard time distinguishing reality and fiction.

Daddy! That symbolic representation of the

consequences of corporate greed is in my closet again!

But I have a second, larger concern, as well. You see, I believe there really is a spiritual reality, that there are supernatural beings and supernatural power at work in the world. And I believe that how my daughter thinks about these things is important. Now I'm fine with my daughter dressing up as a fairy princess for Halloween, and I have no intention of burning my copies of Lord of the Rings just in case my daughter takes a shining to ole Sauron. But I'm going to expose my daughter to these things in a controlled manner. It's like giving your child a vaccine to protect her against things you don't particularly like. I don't mind my daughter being exposed in controlled doses to false ways of seeing spiritual reality, but I want to be the one administering the vaccine.

Take one overextended metaphor and call me in the morning.

In fact, there are many wonderful stories and movies in our culture that incorporate supernatural or magical themes that can have a very beneficial impact on a child's development. For example, I have no doubt we'll read The Chronicles of Narnia together as my daughter gets older. In addition, there are stories and movies that incorporate supernatural or magical themes in ways that are harmless (maybe even teaching a few life lessons along the way). I've never heard of a child starting to worship Satan after watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory or Mary Poppins.

But again, for me it goes beyond making sure my daughter is old enough to distinguish real from fake. It's also a matter of there being a real spiritual reality that is being falsely displayed. I'm not saying there is some vast conspiracy involved in the way we portray supernatural things in our culture. Indeed, I think that much of our literature and films are produced not by those trying to create a counter view of spiritual reality, but by those who think no such reality exists!

Since everyone knows there's no such thing as crocodiles,

let's teach children that they are musical vegetarians who only use their sharp teeth to punish bad vegetables.

However, while I know my daughter isn't going to run into fairies, white wizards, and the like, she still may very well encounter spiritual beings and have spiritual experiences over the course of her life. I want her to think correctly about these things. That doesn't mean that we are going to avoid magic and supernatural themes in books and movies. It just means that we are going to be talking about those things as she watches them, and I will be making sure she understands them in light of the spiritual reality that God has created.

Now, honey, what did we learn about eating creepy people's houses?

This is how my wife and I will navigate raising a child in a culture full of magical and supernatural themes. We're certainly not going to avoid these things and pretend they don't exist. We're also not going to de facto villainize everything we don't 100 percent agree with. What we will do is help our daughter navigate this part of our culture, as with every other part of our culture, in a discerning way as we try to help her understand the world as God has made it.