My Unique Conversations - Sneezing

Sometimes I notice that I am the only person who has certain conversations because I am the only person who thinks like I do.  I assume everyone has this experience.  Here's a conversation that only seems to happen to me: 

Me: Achoo!

Person: Bless you.

Me: Why did you say that?

Person: It's what you say when someone sneezes.

Me: No, it's not.  I never say that.

Person: *sigh* I mean, it's what normal people say when someone sneezes.

Me: Why would someone say that?

Person:  I thought you were a historian?  Don't you know that people once believed that you would lose your soul or something if someone didn't say 'bless you' after a sneeze?

Me:  Yes, I've heard that.  So, do you think I was in danger of losing my soul?

Person: No, that's stupid.

Me: So...why did you say it, at all?  Do you just say things without thinking about they mean?  Are all of your sentences just random synapsis firing with knee-jerk reactions to external stimuli?

 Person: Never mind!

They call me weird, but they are the ones quoting antiquated religious rituals that they don't even believe in.  I find THAT weird.  Then they say something clever, like, "Fine then, I won't say 'bless you' when you sneeze anymore, you jerk!"  Which is funny, because I really didn't care if they did in the first place.  (I would rather see them freed from the shackles of medieval superstition, but I fear I set my sights too high.)

 "Bless you!  Oh, and don't forget to rub garlic on your neck in case of vampires."

How to Make an Academy Award Winning Film.

My review of the Paideia Conference is on hold because I saw this video and wanted to post it.  (It's great being my own boss!  Oh, wait, this blog doesn't make money...)  It makes fun of every type of movie that I can't stand while being funny and creative in its own right.  Which types of films and I talking about?  You'll see.

Do Nudists Colonies Have Churches? I'm Afraid So...

While cruising through the headlines at the End Times Tavern, I came across this gem: "At Ivor Church Clothing is Optional."

The last time I read something like that I was studying the Fourth Crusade.

This church exists in a nudist colony in Virgina and is known as the only nudist church in the state. I've personally never understood nudist colonies, but I've had friends who thought it would be marvelous to wander around unrestricted by clothes. I made sure to inform these people that their time had not yet come. But I digress.

According to the pastor:

"Some of the biggest moments in Jesus' life he was naked," Pastor Allen Parker said. "When he was born he was naked, when he was crucified he was naked and when he arose he left his clothes in the tomb and he was naked. If God made us that way, how can that be wrong?"

Pastor Allen says the congregation is a family-oriented one and is very involved in helping others.

"On second thought, don't pass the offering plate - just hold on to it." (This is a picture from the Whitetail Nudist Colony's website; I probably shouldn't have included it. On the other hand, it's funny to think about teenagers searching for images from nudist colonies and finding this. Ha ha ha, kids, take that!)

Despite the oddness of the nudist colony, this place seems legit. No, I'm not going there, but American nudist colonies are known for being respectable places. I can't think of anything wrong with people being naked just for the heck of it in a good environment. (Like it matters, I bet you're still trying to adjust the page so that you don't have to look at that picture; I know I am.)

There's a video at the link - but I was afraid to watch it.

I Like to Think of Jesus as a Mischievous Badger?

Oddee.com published a list of funny things that have appeared when using Google's infamous search suggestions. Apparently, you can get interesting results when typing something as simple as "i like t" into the box.

Maybe there's an entire church out there that worships Jesus as a carnivorous weasel who likes to fool people and they proclaim this truth to Google on a regular basis. I've studied some pretty odd theology, but that church would impress me.

My second favorite:

You can read the entire list here. Of course, this is the internet we're talking about, so some of the suggestions are a bit risque.

Tips for Making the Holidays More Bearable

I hate whining. I especially hate whining about the Holidays, so I want to outline some ways we can stop making the Holidays a time of griping and fussing. (And, by the way, I recognize the irony of using whining only to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.) So, here goes my angry holiday rant.

Church goers - Quit whining every time someone says "Happy Holidays." It's a lot easier than saying "HappyThanksgivingMerryChristmasHappyHannukahHappyNewYearEtc" to everyone you meet. The individual is going out of their way to be nice, so accept their token of friendship and recognize it as a kind gesture.

Everyone else - Quit whining when someone says "Merry Christmas." These people are not trying to convert you or spread hatred against the Jews. They are celebrating an amazing holiday in their religion and are trying to spread some happiness to you. It's not an insult and it is not intolerant. Say "Thank you."

One year after being taught the true meaning of Christmas, Scrooge was visited by the Ghost who Punishes People Who Put Up Christmas Decorations Before Thanksgiving. As a punishment, he had to watch every "Home Improvements" holiday episode.

In regard to Kwanzaa (this one's for all of us) - Kwanzaa is not worth getting upset about. Do you know anything about it? Are you getting worked up over a holiday that you can't even define? Does your anal retentiveness outweigh your knowledge?

Some quick Kwanzaa facts:

• It does not negate, or replace, Christmas, or Hanukah, or any religion. It's a recognition of first fruits," as in, "Hooray, the harvest has started to grow and we won't starve this year!" It actually resembles Thanksgiving more than Christmas and does not threaten anyone's faith. (Nor, should it be used in such a way.) It is a separate, unrelated holiday.
  
• Yes, the current practice of Kwanzaa was resurrected in the 60's and was started by a Marxist who was involved with the Black Panthers who was also imprisoned for torturing women. This is frightening, but that does not mean that your black neighbor who has a Kwanzaa memorial approves of torturing women; that's not fair to your neighbor and it's only a way to create enmity in your neighborhood. That's not the Holiday spirit, at all.
  
• If Kwanzaa, in any way, makes you upset, you need to broaden your horizons. There are important problems in the world that we should address and your ignorance about a holiday is not one of them. Take a deep breath. Move along.

Here's a few quick ones:

• Wah, wah, wah. Someone sold a Christmas tree in September and called your mommy saying, "It's too EARLY for Christmas stuff! What am I going to do? What does it all mean?" Get a life. Ever tried to outfit a big house with Christmas stuff? You can't buy it all after Thanksgiving. If you gripe about Christmas stuff being in the stores "too early" you need to breathe into a paper bag, head over to visit your cranky uncle, and help him complain about kids walking on his lawn. Crybaby.
• I don't care if Bubba's Holiday catalog called it a "Holiday Tree" instead of a "Christmas Tree," that doesn't mean Bubba's Retail Store is fighting a secret war against Jesus. Once again, choose more important battles.
• Xmas. It means Christmas. It means Christmas because X is a Greek letter used to represent Christ. I've studied religious history and traveled to old monasteries and churches, and, trust me, the X has been used for Centuries to represent the name of Jesus. No one has attempted to cross out the Christ - don't get onto your co-workers because they went to grad school and you didn't.

On the left side, you will see an "X" representing Jesus Christ. Obviously, Byzantine Emperor Justinan II was trying to cross out Christ.

Let's all try to get along. I don't want everyone to think that Christians sit around whining all year; maybe, in the Christmas spirit, we could just celebrate our Lord.

The Inflatable Church

No, that's not a metaphor for the emergent church - I'm actually talking about an inflatable church building!

InflatableChurch.com will deliver this church to anywhere in the world so you can have your wedding wherever you want it. Here are some pictures from their website.

God may not fit in a box, but the whole church fits in this van!

I don't know why, but I keep thinking that these two are about to be eaten by the church behind them. It's just waiting for the right moment...

I've been to weddings that were in smaller churches than this, so the seating is actually impressive.

Inflatable stained glass is probably the biggest achievement of this place.

Be sure to take the preacher out before collapsing the church and stuffing it back in the van. ("Dearly inflated, we have blown up here, today, to celebrate the union of...")

Those rose petals are flying out because someone punctured a hole in the back of the church.

I can't help but think that this church is not living up to its potential. They could stick this thing on a lake and have a wedding on a lake. Or, fit it with parachutes and have a skydiving church that is dropped from a plane while people inside go through the ceremony. (Hmm, maybe my wife and I should renew our vows that way. I can't think of any way it could go wrong.)

Also, if Christianity ever has to go underground to fight persecution all of our congregations could just get one of these and have services in out of the way places. Then we could deflate them when the authorities arrived and they would never catch us. It would go something like this:

Informant: "Just over this hill, I saw Christians in a church, a big rubber church!

Constable: "I don't see anything! Who ever heard of a rubber church?"

Informant: "It must be inflatable, like those bounce houses! I swear, there was a balloon church, here! A real one!"

Constable: "Men, lock this man away, he's insane! Balloon church..."

(Found on Oddee.)

I Want One

Oh my gosh, it's a backpack that looks like Yoda clinging to your back. I can't imagine needing anything else to make me happy. Everyone wants one of these, right? Not just geeks, right? Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't post everything I think. [Link]

I found this on Oddee's list of cool backpacks. My second favorite has solar panels and charges your stuff while you walk in the sunlight. A poor gift for your friends in Seattle, perhaps.

"Jesus" Loves Grammar Nazis.

You get an "E" for "effort." Jesus does save.

However, putting it in quotation marks like that is confusing. Imagine the strange looks you would get if you told someone that Jesus saves while making quotes in the air with your fingers. As the link below points out, they might respond by saying, "'Jesus' saves...if that's his real name..." or, "You said Jesus saves but I know you meant someone else. Wink, wink..."

See, punctuation matters. It's the difference between telling people about Jesus and telling people about "Jesus."

(I found this on the "blog" of "uneccessary" quotation marks.)

How to Tell a Football Fan from a Tabloid Junkie

Football season (a.k.a., the most wonderful time of the year) has begun and my head is full of images of watching the Cowboys play while wearing warm flannel shirts and eating many bowls of spicy chili by the fireplace. Life doesn't get much better. (Yes, I'm an A/V geek who studies medieval church history and loves the NFL.)

But, I'm already sick of the rhetoric surrounding football talk. Sometimes, I am known to ignore football discussions and shun watching games with people because it's impossible to find football fans who can talk about football without parroting ESPN's drivel or giving me a recap from US magazine. My wife, who only began watching after we got married, is better conversation during a game than most of the so-called football fans out there.

Are your friends fans or fakers? Here are some conversation examples that you can use to tell if your friends are football fans or simply tabloid junkies in disguise.

Football Fan: Hey, did you see Miles Austin's kickoff return in our first game? The Cowboys need to work that kind of speed into the the main part of the game!

Tabloid Junkie: Jerry Jones installed his screen too low in the new stadium! Well, it's not really too low, it's regulation, but it's funny. Sort of. Let's talk about it some more. Who won the game? I don't remember, but did you see the clip on SportsCenter when the kickoff hit the TV screen!

Football Fan: I wonder if our teams' 4-3 defense can cover a 5 wide out offense with a quick snap?

Tabloid Junkie: Tom Brady is cute, so he could probably do that thing you just said.

"I've heard they lose when they wear the white pants. No, I don't know anything about defensive formations. I'm just sayin'..."

However, this is an old problem that I have been annoyed with for many years. Let's go back in time...

One Year Ago

Football Fan: Tony Romo is a good player who is always focused even when he is having a bad day.

Tabloid Junkie: I head on ESPN that he plays worse when his girlfriend is in town. That's right, I believe in curses and voodoo. Mysticism is way more important than athleticism in this sport. Can I read your palm?

Two Years ago

Football Fan: The New Orleans Saints got their head coach from the Dallas Cowboys staff, and his knowledge of the team helped them to beat the Cowboys and showed other teams how to do the same.

Tabloid Junkie: The Saints played at the Superdome before the hurricane. I'm pretty sure that George Bush caused the hurricane because he's a racist. I love football!

People. Go back to your witch hunts, animal sacrifices, and tabloid articles about Jennifer Aniston. The rest of us have games to watch.

Observations From a Week at Nerd Camp

I write a Christian website but I'm also a geek - and I spent last week with other geeks getting further training on the A/V program I use at the office. It's fun to do something different for a week and getting together with other nerds who have a common goal is always entertaining.

Here are my observations from Nerdling University:

• Everyone else dresses up. These guys think they are in school and have to dress nicely and ask for permission to use the bathroom. Alternatively, I did not shave all week and had on ugly jeans. I stood out.
• No ladies. They don't care about A/V - I don't know why. I think they would be welcome in the field and there's no reason they couldn't do it; but, the ladies just don't take an interest in this sort of thing. I suspect it's because they know they would have to work with a bunch of geeky men.
  
• Our work is boring and we know it. Well, most of us know it. There's always one guy who actually thinks it's interesting to discuss processor pipeline speeds in comparison to LCD refresh rates or something like that. That guy is boring. That guy sat by me at lunch.
• The teacher can tell us what is on different pages of the health care bill. I don't think many people in Washington can do that.
  
• I'm pretty sure Jim Carrey was in this class in disguise. If he comes out with a film where he plays an A/V programmer I'll know it was true.
• The class was brainstorming how to visually represent programming in a fourth dimension. I recommended a tesseract. No response.

Interestingly, a tesseract is also a pretty good image
of how my head feels after learning parsing commands.

• I was late Wednesday morning. No repercussions. (See bullet point one.) It may have cemented me as the class rebel.
  
• A comically large bottle of Aspirin is kept in the room. This is a bad sign. When you are told that the array can exist in five dimension you understand what it is for.
• Each of us learns to program a DVD player through serial interaction and we are given a DVD to use in testing. I was assigned "Lost in Space." A higher destiny was obviously at work.
  
• Apparently, I can't go anywhere. I got into a discussion of soteriology with a Catholic and an Armenian (probably). I ducked out as things were heating up. (Which really wasn't fair.)

Bottoms up.

Male Braille Fail

A local seminary had this piece of paper taped onto their men's room door - complete with two-dimensional braille lettering. (They could have at least punched holes in the page, sheesh...)

Go here to vote for this on the fail blog.

As if Theology Students Don't Have Enough Problems

I walked into an empty classroom and noticed something like this on the board:

Neo-Platonic

Orthopraxis

So I took the opportunity to grab a piece of chalk and make some additions. Now, the board says this:

Neo-Platonic Supralapsarianism

Orthopraxis vs. Neo-Constantinopolitanism

With any luck, a theology student will see it and his head will explode.

"That's not funny, I made up those words."

5 Reasons Things are Better Than They Were During the Middle Ages

People like to complain about the times in which we live and everyone I am around is always full of gripes. There is nothing wrong with trying to improve the quality of our lives, but it's also good to look back and remember how much we have accomplished. Being a medievalist makes this an easy thing for me to do.

Here are a few things to be thankful for:

• Usury Laws - You might think banks are full of crooks, but in the old days there were not always laws against excessive interest (until you tried it on King Phillip the IV). Today, even the stupidest investor is protected by laws against unconscionability. Of course, if Jesus were in the temple that day, you were in luck.

Jesus - 1; Userers - 0

• Disease - There are people today who think we shouldn't use soap so we can build up our own natural immunities. They wouldn't say this if they remembered the great plagues that destroyed Europe. The black death struck young men first; when the older men and women died there were no younger people to replace them. It took Europe 300 years to re-populate; until then, the country side was empty and devoid of life. This kind of thing is unimaginable to us.

"But we're not dead!"

• Taxes - Sometimes, one class group accuses another group of not paying taxes. Since all of us do pay taxes this is an obvious hyperbole, but at one time it was true that the rich didn't pay taxes but used them to take money from the poor. Even in its most corrupt and broken form, the U.S. tax system is far more equitable than the old Roman system.

"Just think, in 1000 years people won't have to wait in line at the tax office!" (Also, what are those midgets doing there?)

(Image from Paradoxplace.)

• Literacy - My favorite. The printing press led to great reformations that were not as possible before people could read and pass the word along to others. (By they way, these medieval barbarians always wrote better than the average YouTube commenter.)

"Should I tell William that he misspelled France on ALL of these?"

• What do you want to do with your life? This question was not relevant to a medieval person. Almost every individual had to be involved in food production every single day so that people could eat. You didn't get to be an astronomer or an actor because your heart so desired it; instead, you got to grow plants or raise cattle. Every day. Today, you can pursue anything you want; even poor people in poor countries have an outside shot at success, which is more than anyone could ask for in the olden days.
  

"I wonder what I should have for dinner, tonight. Cabbage? No, not cabbage..."

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. My life isn't perfect, but I have a lot of comforts for which I am thankful.

The First Time I Handled Snakes

I used to think that snake handling was for those odd Christians who sat in their basements sharpening their knives in preparation for Armegeddon. I was wrong. It's a beautiful demonstration of faith.

My first experience was with my church when I was 10. One day we went out in the woods where a special shack had been built to perform these ceremonies without the prying eyes of the skeptical.

I remember being told to grab a rattler by the tail. Everyone knows that you don't grab snakes by the tail, but that's what I did. As fast as lightning the snake bit me and I felt its poison going into my arm. I shot a worried look at the older men in the room, but they assured me that this was normal and that I would not be hurt.

My grandfather handling snakes in the 40's; snake handling is an important part of my heritage. My great-grandmother is in the background playing the cymbals.

I was glad to know that the poison wouldn't affect me, but then I got woozy and started to fall. The snake ran away and slithered out of the room (and I've always wondered why the other men in the room got out of its way). I blacked out at this point.

I woke up to a man sucking poison out of my arm. I was confused, but he told me to "be still" and that he was going to suck the poison out of me because he was more faithful than I and could ingest the poison. I didn't remember this being part of the ceremony, but I blacked out again so I don't remember anything else.

When I awoke in the hospital I noticed the ministers were really excited to see me awake and asked me to keep the whole a secret. I asked the senior pastor if we were keeping it a secret because the ceremony had gone so well and he didn't want people to know how good of a snake handler I was. He looked worried but he told me that I was right. I asked him if we could do it again and he said that the ceremony only worked once for each person. That made me sad, but I'll never forget my first snake handling.

Read more about my family's snake handling by clicking here.

My Arm is Bleeding and I'm Hungry. But I Got a Free Shirt.

It's harder to get free stuff, these days. It used to be you could go to some event and someone would hand out free shirts, but today you have to go through the trouble of giving blood.

I always try to give blood when the blood-mobile shows up on campus. It saves lives and I am impressed at the people I see there. I have never given blood without meeting people in line who are terrified of needles but have decided to overcome this in order to help. It would be easier for these people (mostly college students) to sit in their dorm room or hang out on campus, but they serve others by going through the excruciating process of facing a needle. It's not bad for me, but when I see what some of the "needle-phobes" go through it causes me to admire them. (I'm always tempted to tell them that the needle is really really big and hurts a lot, but they are going through enough.)

This time around I learned that the person who draws blood is called a phlebologist, a term so obscure you can't find it on Wikipedia. I didn't know that.

Now THIS is an Effective Divorce Ministry

I found these advertisements next to each other on a bulletin board at a local church:

Divorced? Check out our singles ministry! The singles ministry is free, so I think more people will attend it than will the 8 week long divorce workshop.

Calvary. Cavalry. As Different as Night and Day.

Calvary - The hill near Jerusalem where Jesus was crucified:



Cavalry - An army component mounted on horseback.


No one gets this one right and it makes for some funny misunderstandings. For example, this guy is selling spurs that were worn by soldiers on horseback and he calls them "Calvary Spurs". Maybe Jesus wore Cowboy boots to the cross?

This article from the Washington Post says that auto makers are sending in the "calvary" to Congress, which conjures images of union workers shoving Golgotha to the Capitol Building.

Cavalry.

Calvary.

They're as different as night and day.

Don't you think that night and day are different?

Here are more common grammar mistakes, if this sort of thing lights your wood.

4 Ways to Misuse Your Facebook Status

1 - Updating your status with something that makes you look illiterate.

The status is obviously made to create a complete sentence, still, some people's statuses say something like:

Billy BOOMER SOONER!!

or

Jessica is I am hungry

A nicely placed hyphen (-) would take care of a lot of this, for example:

Adam Jones - Go Cowboys!

2 - Telling people when you are not home so they can rob you.

I see way too many status updates that are just begging someone to come along and steal their stuff.

Cindy is not home and will not be home for hours.

Rob will be out of the country for the next three weeks and his house will be empty. And, sometimes he forgets to shut the door all the way lol.

These sound like exaggerations but people really do things like this and I wonder if I am the only person who thinks that the "It Takes a Thief" guys could do a special TV show about Facebook.


3 - Telling people when they can stalk you.

This one is horrifying and quite serious. Every now and then a single lady tells everyone that she is weak and alone.

Jennifer is alone with her cat all night.

Stephanie is about to take a shower.

Someday, I fear there will be a very regrettable infraction of privacy due to careless Facebook tweeting, it could be a serious problem.


4 - Updating your status every five minutes

We all know at least one person who does this. You befriend them and suddenly your Facebook page looks like this:

John is getting dressed.

John is putting on his socks.

Mary is ready the first day at her new job.

John is sipping his coffee.

John noticed a man walking a dog and thought the dog looked funny.

John is leaving his house.

John is going back inside because he forgot something.

The interesting updates that you use to keep up with your friends are suddenly drowning in someone's narcissistic fantasy. Those friends don't stay on my home page for long. Trust me, no one wants Facebook.com to be synonymous with your twitter page.

OK, that's all for now. Any unforgivable uses of Facebook/MySpace you want to report?

Bing Crosby Sings Christmas Songs with...David Bowie?

No, I didn't make that up. Crooner Bing Crosby actually sang "Little Drummer Boy" with the curiously androgynous glam rocker in this old TV special. According to Mental Floss, Crosby liked Bowie and wanted to work with him more, unfortunately, he passed away before this was possible.

I watched Moulin Rouge for the first time...

Recently, my wife decided that it was time for me to watch Moulin Rouge!. (She had recently suffered through the Mystery Science Theater version of Werewolf for me, so it was only fair that I watch a sissy musical with her.)

In case you don't know, Ewan McGregor has got an incredible voice, I've never heard anything like it. Also there is some cool cinematography, but my praise of this picture ends there.

The only thing Hollywood loves more than Jennifer Aniston is pretending that they are part of a struggling theater act. I don't know why, but the subject matter of top plays and films is often a theater production, like Chicago, or something that goes behind the stage of a show, like Dreamgirls. This is every actor's favorite storyline but I don't know why.

The second favorite storyline is the Cinderella one, where a poor person marries a rich one. Again, I don't know why elite socialite actors think that they can relate to this one.

In the Moulin Rouge! story, a Bohemian wants to marry a rich whore. Sorry, I mean lounge dancer. No, I meant to say whore. Anyway, The audience wonders (1) if the struggling theater act will open to a large audience (and if they will get shut down by 'the man') and (2) whether the girl (whore) will choose to fall in love with the Bohemian writer or the rich guy (who, conveniently, happens to be 'the man' in this story, as well).

Does Hollywood expect me to believe that they can relate to these struggles? How many A-List actors have ever met and married a commoner who saw them at a show and fell in love with them? Am I expected to believe that these socialites really idealize a Bohemian lifestyle when their bodygaurds escort them to their mansions at the end of the day? These actors, who are adored by all and have everything they want, can only pretend to know what it is like to worry about their next paycheck or to love someone who seems to be out of their league. If Hollywood types really cared about the things they portray in these films they would date ordinary people and fund local theaters. Are any of them doing that?

These films always seem empty to me because I don't believe that the actors involved really understand the struggles they portray. I believed it when it was Jimmy Stewart, but not anymore.